Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Flowing out in Public

I admit, that title sounds really wrong. It's not what it osunds like. Well, it's not what *I* think it probably sounds like; I don't actually know what it sounds like to you. If it sounds gross to you then that's not what I meant. Unless you're into that kind of thing, in which case I don't judge so go on with your bad self, just don't share it with me. Or in the comments. You do you, but maybe subtly, is what I'm saying.

What I *do* mean is that I'm going to be writing this month as an exercise in connecting with my heart space instead of my head space. I'm allowing words and ideas (which in writing is pretty much the same thing I suppose) to flow out from my soul and pour onto the page. Screen. Whatever. And instead of doing it privately - in which case I have zero accountability and would therefore likely stop after day 3 (that's generous, day 2) - I will be doing it here on my writing blog. Which as you can see by previous posts I stopped after day (post) 4.

Accountability isn't my thing, folks.

Here's the trick on this for me - I'm NOT doing this for approval. Really I'm not. If nobody ever reads this that's fine. If you read it and hate it, that's fine. If you disagree with everything I say and hope I go back under my rock, that's fine. If you love me forever and ever and want to have my babies (which would be a neat trick), that's fine. If you don't give a rat's ass either way, that's fine.

The point is, it's all fine. It's a theme for me this month. It's all fine. The good, the bad, the... you want me to say 'ugly' don't you? But I don't like that phrase. I mean, the good and the bad, that's fine, those are opposites that contrast nicely and it's natural to think of them together. But the ugly? Where the hell does that come in? Full Disclaimer: I've never seen that movie. I don't care for that genre. So I'm probably missing the entire point of the title. But the point of this paragraph is that I'm embracing all of life and sinking into the realization and acceptance that it's all good.

Did I mention that this entire project is going to be stream-of-consciousness-straight-from-my-heart-without-any-editing-or-thought-involved? It is. I'm not even going to go back and re-read what I've written before I post it.

Holy shit my stomach just did that THING your stomach does when you make a scary decision that you know is fine but your ego is like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU HAREBRAINED BUFFOON????

My ego has some issues right now. Always. But really right now. Because I'm meditating for an hour every morning and it HATES HATES HATES that. A whole lot. It screams at me quite frequently during that hour. The best is when it gets all quiet and quiescent (do those mean the same thing?) and (oh wait, no, they don't) it makes me think that it's all feeling safe and healthy and normal. Then it throws a godawful temper tantrum and makes me want to claw my eyes out just to MAKE THE SITTING STILL STOP ALREADY!

Did I mention issues? Got 'em. In spades.

I kinda want to include the cool journal entry I wrote before this where I came to the decision that I was going to do this blog thing, not so much because the back story is interesting but because I made this really witty remark about zucchini which will never be funny again. But I don't care if you think I'm witty (I remind myself). So I'll leave it be.

Gel nail enamel is the shit. And that's the last thought I have to write down. *mwah*

(that's a *mwah* like giving you a kiss, not a *mwah* like the *mwahahaha* evil cackle. to clarify.)

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